For Local BlogDiscussing tolerance & differences in biracial families
Posted and written by Kakie Fitzsimmons
February is Black History month. I want to honor it with my son because when I was young, we didn’t learn much about black history in school. My son is biracial and I want to be sure he gets it not just because it is his history, but because it is OUR history.
Instead of watching the Super Bowl on February 1st, we watched the movie “Boycott,” which is about the boycott in Montgomery Alabama after Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat in the “Whites Only” section of the bus. It was good and sends a powerful message about the impact peace and non-violence can have.
During the movie, there is a scene where firemen sit across the street and watch the home of an African American man burn to the ground. My son, who is eight years old, looked at me with puzzled eyes. He asked why the firemen weren’t helping. I explained what life for black and white people in America was like during that time. Then, he turned to me and asked, “Mom, am I black?”
WOW. Just WOW. My response to him was, “Yes, you are African American and you should be proud of that but more importantly proud of who you are.”
We’ve talked about race and identity in the past and I thought he got it. But this time was different because it suddenly became real for him. I know it is not the last discussion we will have around this issue. As a parent, it is up to me to create teachable moments when the issue arises. As much as I try, I would have to say I have just as many moments that teach me as well.
The reason I wanted to share this topic is to create awareness of discussions that can’t be ignored in multicultural families. Experts say it is important to have ongoing conversation about race and tolerance with our kids. Studies have helped us to understand the order that kids learn about this topic. Kids understand color first, then race, then culture and it happens over a progression of a few years. It is good to talk about differences with children and also share it is wrong to hold racial prejudice.
I am grateful my son and I talk about it because it extended into what is right and wrong. It was a loving conversation about the fact that we get to give ourselves permission to make different choices moving forward. We can learn from our past and it makes us better people. It was about how the choices we make can help define us and empower us. There is an article that goes more in depth about race titled ‘Rubbing Off” Allison Briscoe-Smith explains how kids learn about race and how their parents can foster tolerance. Allison Briscoe-Smith, Ph.D., is a psychologist and professor at Pacific Graduate School of Psychology.
At Farmer’s Hat Productions our tagline is “Growing Kids through Diverse Learning Experiences.” We came up with that because it conveys that we understand children learn in many different ways. We created the multicultural characters in our award winning children’s book series, Bur Bur and Friends, for ALL children because it reflects our society today. I hope by sharing a bit of a window into our experience, it can somehow make a difference to someone.
Please share your thoughts below.
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February 3rd, 2009 at 10:23 pm
Your son is just 1 year younger than my daughter .My daughter is just learning…understanding some of the lessons about race,being black,light colored skin, dad dark colored skin etc…It’s a ton to take in and it’s journey for all parents of black children. Black children know there is a difference ,they often times just don’t know what all that means early on. It can mean a host of things depending on the environment. Good and Bad.
I am wondering do you think sharing these ideas(truths) with your son is different for you because you are not black and haven’t experienced directly the negative feelings of being black ? Do you think it will be different for him because he is biracial? I have not even considered this topic in this light before this post.I appreciate your thoughtfulness toward the topic.
February 3rd, 2009 at 11:34 pm
Hi Lorraine, you are asking some really good questions. I have read books, talked to biracial friends and authors who have written about being biracial. A common thread that I have found through these discussions is that they had a day, a moment when something happened where it became more real for them.
In a book written by Dr. Marguerite A. Wright, who is a child psychologist, she found in her studies that in black families, the discussion about race happens earlier than in non-black households. She wrote a book I highly recommend for everyone called “I’m Chocolate, You’re Vanilla: Raising Healthy Black and Biracial Children in a Race-Conscious World: A Guide for Parents and Teachers”. In this book, she explains how kids developmentally come to understand race and culture.
I don’t pretend to know negative feelings of being black. I do know the feeling of prejudice and discrimination because I have experienced it. It would be ignorant for me to assume it isn’t out there. I think that sharing these truths with my son is not different for me than any other parent. I do think the experience will be different for him because he is biracial. He doesn’t have many black male role models which could make it more complex. I think the most important thing is that the dialogue we have about it is productive and meaningful. Thanks for posing such thought provoking questions.
February 4th, 2009 at 9:23 am
I LOVE this post! It is so real, Kakie. My children are very “white” looking and consider themselves “both” to use their terminology.
I don’t feel the need to have them choose, because they are “both.” However, my son, who doesn’t look at all African American, tends to want to represent me. It is almost like he feels as though he has to stand in front of me. We only discuss race when someone questions them about me. They have a solid understanding of who they are as people. The beauty is seeing them interact in my sister’s neighborhood around their black friends, and then heading to Rochester to visit their dad’s family. I cannot tell you how liberating it is to see them so comfortable in both worlds. NOW we have to get THE WORLD to be comfortable. Right?
February 4th, 2009 at 6:48 pm
That is right Amy, it is what diversity is all about
February 5th, 2009 at 2:15 am
Hi Kakie, very interesting topic. I’m also mother of three biracial children. We are currently livig in Italy (soon mooving to Africa).Here their diversity is widely seen, still people who don’t know us, hardly believe that they are my daughters and think they are adopted. Just to tell you how is multiculturalism in Italy. Mixed couples are still something “NEW” and not at all accepted. When my elder daughter was still little she asked me why her parents were of two different colors. To answer such an important question to a little girl, I thought of writing a story and it became my first children’s book.
She started since the beginning to represent herself with brown skin. My other two daughters when they were attending the first year of nursery, started representing themselves with pink skin color then after few months, facing also prejudices and discrimiantion from the others they started drawing themselves with brown skin and curly hairs. When today they have to relate themselves to a geographic identity, they say they are African Italian. That sounds great. They are fully aware of who they are and even proud of their bi -cultural identity. I think it’s very important for children awareness of their identity young. Living between cultures it is a great intellectual and emotional experience to share.
February 5th, 2009 at 8:11 am
Wow Valentina, I have never heard the term African Italian. It is interesting to hear your story from a eurocentric perspective. My son had a friend who is a 6 year old Asian boy who told him there is no way I could possibly be his mother because my skin was white and my son is brown. Needless to say it led to an interesting conversation.
February 13th, 2009 at 8:22 pm
Thanks for this article. My son is 3 and daughter is 11 months. My daughter is biracial and son is not. This, I am sure, will become a topic for both of my children at some point. This article gave me something to think about when it comes time for us to discuss this to both of my children. I appreciate you sharing this.